unconditional self acceptance
Have had a cool and awesome month. Am pursing my goal of being a financial planner- which I tossed around in my mind as a fantasy for a few years. Then, one day I realized that it doesn’t have to be a fantasy- that I can Go for this. I’m sure I’ll be talking about this more in the future. Am dedicated to helping people be more aware of the state of their finances and helping my clients build and preserve wealth. Money is important because it allows your dreams to come true! Anyone who claims that money is the root of all evil probably needs to analyze why they have these negative associations attached to a symbol.
Not what I want to address today. What’s on my mind is how over time, there are people who encourage your dreams and others who feel that ‘realism’ should be applied. I have a few people in my life who never encourage anyone’s dreams- they question, are ‘realistic’ and point out negatives and genuinely rain on parades. I have to say that if you rain on my parade, you probably don’t have a lot of sunshine in your own life.
I have a couple of friends who don’t even acknowledge this new path I’m on. They haven’t said ‘good luck’ or . . .anything. Silence. In my attempt to be a more proactive person, a part of me really wants to ask them why but it may hurt the relationship more than help. My suspicion is that they are still judging who I used to be and not who I am today. Has that ever happened to you? You have a friend or relative who always brings up choices or moments you regret, even if they happened in 1995? Ugh, It’s exhausting and there’s no way to prove who you ARE if someone refuses to see
Guess that the goal is not to care what anyone else thinks- to be your own dog. OK, weird metaphor BUT it used to be the slogan for a beer. Remember? BE YOUR OWN DOG. If someone doesn’t accept then the truth is they have their own work to do in the universe. It’s hard to push away the negativity that is pushed onto us at times but it HAS to be done. I refuse to make excuses for the girl I used to be since I am now a wiser, hopefully better woman.
Gandhi
“Let the first act of every morning be to make the following resolve for the day:* I shall not fear anyone on Earth.* I shall fear only God.* I shall not bear ill will toward anyone.* I shall not submit to injustice from anyone.* I shall conquer untruth by truth. And in resisting untruth, I shall put up with all suffering.”- Mahatma Gandhi
I find the statement above empowering. What we do first thing in the morning reflects throughout the day- to say, like Gandhi that you fear no one but God, that you shall treat others well and be treated as person worthy of dignity and respect, and that you are able to sacrifice for your beliefs, is definitely to set each day on the right path, to set LIfe on the right path.
My own path has not been without its setbacks and victories. As I have talked about, my Lenten promise to give up complaining and gossip has been a roller coaster of failure and success. On St. Patrick’s Day, which is usually a big social whirl of chatting and Guinness (oh, how I do enjoy a tasty pint!), I had more failure than success, though I started out with good intentions. It’s really easy for me to get sucked into the social side of complaining, of finding fault even with people I love. It’s not something I am proud of, though it’s impossible to get a good path going when you are attacking yourself for moral foibles. Yesterday, was a great day. I didn’t complain once! I went out into the world, conducted my business, saw a friend, spent time with my family and PRAYED for guidance. The world was a better place in my eyes, and I was better in the world. From now on, I want to focus on what’s positive, act for the better when issues come up. I don’t want to walk through this world as a victim, but rather take Gandhi’s attitude of self-reliance and trust in the universe. It is a struggle but I am not giving up!!! I will make it to 21 days Complaint Free no matter how long it takes.
That’s what the purple bracelet I am wearing is all about. Feel free to ask me, feel free to join. It’s life altering to even realize how one person’s complaints bring more negativity into the Earth. It’s not necessary. Not bearing ill will towards anyone means believing the best, acting on that belief and keeping silent when challenged. If you have a disagreement with someone, talk to that person only. Venting is NOT healthy. It’s one thing to discuss feelings but another thing entirely to dwell in discontent. The dwelling is a waste of time, especially when there are better way to spent the years we have on this planet. It’s a slow process of growth for me-I’ve been at this for weeks but yesterday was my first day of complete commitment to the ideal. It was glorious. Have not succeeded completely TODAY, but I will keep on going. . .it’s the journey that counts after all. Still pursuing Contentedness.
Waiting to exhale
Two weeks passed by rather quickly. I had to finish up projects, say good byes and deal with yet another throat curse requiring antibiotics. It was good that I had the two weeks to properly leave the place, to affirm that my decision was the best one I could have made. One thing I heard over and over again was ‘good for you. I wish I could do it.’ What these folks usually mean is that they don’t feel they can leave an unhappy job situation b/c of resposibilities-a mortgage or rent, children, car payments. I, luckily, have none of those responsibilities so why stay in a situation where the start of the day was not a cause for rejoicing? But the more I think about it, the more I think no one should. Some of my former co-workers are miserable and make those around them miserable.
A perfect example to illustrate: at the company there is a Notorious Busybody who snoops through people’s things, spreads rumors, gives the evil eye and yet wears a cross round her neck. I believe the only reason that they don’t fire the woman is that she is about to retire soon and has been there since the ’60s. Last week she called me into the bathroom to say something. It was to warn me about another girl at work, who she said tells the comptroller of the company everything. I was horrified but the look on her face when I said that the girl she was maligning and I are friends was priceless. She almost DOVE into the bathroom stall.
A woman like the Notorious Busybody is pathetic. She’s hated her job for about a decade, if not longer, seems to have no life outside of work and fails to see how wearing the cross and being evil are antithetical. I think when you’re that unhappy you can’t do the same old same old everyday. I don’t care what responsibilities you claim to have- change your life, or your attitude or both. It is a useless way to spend life that way. Americans spend more time at work that most people in the world and yet, I rarely hear love for the work we do. I don’t hear pride. Something has to change in our collective mentality.
My incident with the busybody was but one interesting facet of leaving. My direct supervisor talked trash about me b/c I took a day off to be sick. Yikes. I will tell you that I had to exert total self control when I heard that. My first instinct was extreme anger. I wanted to call her up and curse that broad out. Hahahaha. But I didn’t b/c that would be so counterproductive. I calmed myself down with prayer and by playing catch with Cosette. Then I realized that hen people talk behind your back it’s about them, and not about you. The people I like at work don’t take a word she says seriously, Plus, she’s not in the best place in her life and my leaving is going to burden her with extra work so maybe she was just venting. Not nice, but. . . I should chill, not pick up the phone and just be REALLY glad I never have to see her again.
For the most part, people were extremely kind. I’ve saved emails, and cards that were encouraging and touched me. Apparently, I was liked for my efficiency, helpfulness and good cheer. I leave knowing that I did a good job. Even the boss man hugged me and wished me well. Other positives: the girl who irked me more than ANY human ever has actually apologized! I did too- I think I should have had a little more grown self-control and talked to her about the issues that we had. At the time, it was hard to have the detachment. But I will remain friends with some of my co-workers and am really excited and pleased about that.
Saying my final goodbyes was sad but like Madonna says: There’s no greater power than the power of good-bye. It’s always a little heartbreaking to end a stage of your life but choosing change is really about not giving in to fear .
Now I’m resting up b/c my Quest is beginning soon. I feel like I’m being lead by the Higher Power to a better destiny. Am processing multiple thoughts and emotions right now, but the greatest one is relief. I’m not stressed out- maybe I should be but I welcome Change.
good golly
March is one of my favorite months. There’s a hint of Spring in the air, holidays like Easter and St. Patrick’s. Now I have another reason to like March.
I resigned from my job today. Have spent weeks agonizing and crying and feeling unsure about Changing after three years but this weekend, with much prayer and dialogue with friends, I realized that the work itself is not a good fit, that my personality and what I do are in sharp conflict. My health has suffered, my sense of optimism was diminished; no amount of positive thinking and working on myself was making the job feel like a great fit. Am glad that I didn’t resign the ’smart’ way by getting a different job first. Was honest with my boss but not overly so, and I have not burned ay bridges. To be honest, these are people I like and want to remain in touch with so why go out in a blaze of glory?
Two more weeks. I’m positive that I’ll be a little sad but there’s relief on my face and in my heart. Sometimes making a decision, ANY decision, is the best way. I can’t let life happen to me, you know? But guess what? I know I made the right decision. Cheerful Anna is NOT just weekend Anna anymore. WOOHOO!
Still have no idea what I am going to DO with myself later, but I plan to take a break now. After St. Patty’s I am going to sleep in, luxuriate in some carefully chosen novels, write, travel a bit, go on mile long walks with Cosy.
I anticipate being Content.
See sleepy Cosy photo below. Doesn’t Cosy make napping look awesome?
crikey. . .Leap Year 08
Good things first: read the John Adams bio, which was AWESOME. If you haven’t and you enjoy history, revolution and a love story for the ages, this could be a book for you. Have been especially fertile with writing too. Listening to mush music, spending time with friends. BUT works been difficult. I am going to break a rule I had formed in my head and talk about work on a blog. But I need to speak.
In general, I have enjoyed working where I work. I have pretty nice, quirky co-workers, have a varied week b/c my projects change every week (one of the best parts of being a project manager), and my schedule is 8:30-4:30. All v.good things I appreciate. However, the work load has been outrageous, I am now at the level where ‘no errors will be tolerated.’ To say I am stressed is an understatement. I had a moment where I cried in the bathroom. It felt criminally GOOD to cry- the release was splendid. But this leaves me to ponder. . .what shall I do with myself? Is this where I want to be? What DO I want to do with my life? I don’t know the answers to these questions but I want to start thinking about the possible answers. For three years, I have been trying to be practical, methodical and efficient. I am all of those things but I am also denying what I call ‘weekend’ self. Yet I Don’t want to make any hasty decisions based on the anger I sometimes feel with the job.
Tomorrow is Leap Day. Exciting. In honor, I cut my hair a tad shorter and in a slightly funkier way. Hair makes a huge difference, my peeps. Go Hair!
i’m not a hippie but. . .
. . .my dreams are getting particularly vivid right now. Blame it on the meditation. Actually, am not blaming it- it’s AWESOME. Sleeping is basically a trippy, zen,Jerry Garcia experience right now. One of my NY resolutions was to meditate three to four times a week. I find that when I do the minor aches and pains and the major things (like strep- haha) seem to go away in days and not weeks. Anyway, one of the nice and strange side effects is that my dreamlife has taken on a lusciousness that makes the movie Amelie look tame.
BTW, saying I meditate is funny. People often don’t get what I do so I will tell you that it is pretty simple. I lay on a yoga mat (or sit yogi style if I am feeling ambitious) and start breathing deep and slow, focusing on the act of breathing. Then I go through all the parts of my body that seem ‘knotty’ and I physically tense and relax them. My neck is the point of my body where this seems to be key. After the physical engagement I focus on a word or a sound or an idea that I want to ponder. Then I. . .focus. Without sounding too queer eye, I try to become one with the word or idea. Sometimes, it’s as if I get carried away. I honestly have no idea why some form of meditation isn’t taught in schools. Quieting the racing mind is something that Americans in particular don’t seem good at.
But back to the dreams. . .historical figures are popping in, there’s dancing and singing. VERY nice. It’s making me feel happy.
OH! I was doing a horrible job with the Lenten promise of no complaining but am back to giving it my all. After all, though I’m still finding my way, isnt it lovely to get up and BE? To drink that coffee, catch the train, be able to support myself, talk to friends. Don’t want to miss out on the quirky, kooky things that make up a day just ‘cuz I’m navel gazing.
. . .worse things than staring at the water on a Sunday. . .
What are we on this planet for? Why am I on this planet? I’ve been questioning these things, pondering them in my day to day, often while walking and listening to my ipod. The music in my head is often “Sunday in the Park with George,” which is a refreshing change from the pop crap that pulses out of cars passing by or upstairs in my neighbors apartment. There’s something about that song that I will find eternally refreshing- George’s enclosed world of harmony and light that misses the mark of the real and commonplace, especially in Bernadette Peter’s Dot. She’s so restless and uncomfortable but in love with his vision, his ability to paint. Sigh. On some level, I want so be like Seurat- to have my own life’s vision go unclouded. Of course, I don’t want to be thoughtless and careless as he appears to be.
So why am I here? My faith is such that I believe I am here to love God and seek closeness with Him, partly through a spiritual understanding of Him but also in how well I treat others- those finite connections we make in our human relationships. And while I think my relationships are good, the newest insecurity is that I am missing out on love. Yes, I have been in love. Painfully and totally with a boy who did not love me enough to get married and have children with me. The nagging realization that I may have wasted four plus years of my life on someone who wasn’t giving what I gave is horrible. But I loved him and I have really pleasant memories, although these memories seem to boil down to good vacations at bed ad breakfasts but not much else. How awful and sad. I’m starting to forget exactly why I was so in love and yet. . .the feeling remains. Not that I’m still in love but that I remember how breathless and exciting wanting to be with another human being.
I’d like to go back. The word wasted is glaring out on the page at me. Time is not wasted- not really. Those experiences were the experiences I was meant to have. My mind knows this and I can be sensible enough to think in this way but my heart feels small and resentful at four years gone by. Often, I think I am even over the resentment. I am torn between wanting to stay angry and wanting to be free and forgive.
. . .i love your eyes George. . .see, here’s where Bernadette’s voice intrudes. It’s sort of lovely to write and have other things going on in the brain. My brain wants to think of the day I had at the Art Institute of Chicago and how it is JUST as possible to love a painting as much as you love a person. I tend to fall in love with books and songs and flowers and my puppy’s brown eyes that look up at me as if I am the greatest thing since milk-bones. Maybe those are the things I am destined to love. Maybe it’s ok to hope for love with a man but be prepared on some level for its absence, whether temporary or permanent.
shoot, this is cute
http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html best when seen with full volume blasting
