If you are like me you have been to too many hospitals in your lifetime. My experiences with hospitals range from the simple to the catastrophic and most are as a result of my Mom’s terrible health. My Mom suffers from diabetes, hypertension, elevated cholesterol, bouts of dizziness, arthritis and mental illness (i’m not even ready to discuss the latter yet). In my lifetime, I have visited more doctors and hospitals than I like. I admire the professionals who work in these settings b/c they are really depressing. Today, while i was laying in my bed with strep throat after having finished a sensational 2.5 hours of watching HBO’s In Treatment ( I should really blog about this show!), I got a call. Mom had stepped out to go to the dentist for what was supposed o have been a routine visit as she is having a root canal soon. Apparently, Mom fainted and knocked herself out at the dentist office. Immediately, I went into panic mode. WHY did she faint? I am not exactly one of those people who i calm in a crisis. Correction: I appear totally calm and in control and inside am a jumble of contradictory and often dark, dark thoughts. I assume the worst. Especially, since she and I had a HUGE blowout the night before. I’d gotten in at 9:30pm (gasp!) even though I had said I would be in at 10. So my being early was somehow inconvenient. Go figure. But back to the point- which is that I immediately jumped to the super crazy conclusion that our argument caused her to faint. Got ready and was going to take a cab. Instead of taking this cab, my Dad offered to drive me. Wasn’t that sweet and. . .normal of him? Except that since it was just the two of us dear Cosette had to come too b/c she has never been alone!! My puppy would lose it if left alone. After chasing the pups around to get her to leave the apt. we finally made it out in a drizzle. So it’s panicky and feverish me, a frantic 87 year old, a dog that loathes rain all in a car to St. Barnabas Hospital. Did I mention that Cosette gets nervous in a car? She’s clinging to me for dear life, much as a little bebe would. I am trying to keep it together. Am failing. When we get to the hospital, my Father realizes we can’t take Cosette into the hospital so she and I it in the car while he goes in. To make a long story short, the woman is fine. She’s being observed. Pops decided we didnt’ have to wait, threw money at her to get a cab back home. WTF!!!! While he was in the e.r. I was in the car freezing and wondering if somehow I made a mistake with my Lenten promise. Every year, Catholics around the globe offer something up in observation of the season. Last year I gave up coffee which was an error of EPIC proportions- i was a grumpy zombie for 40 days. This year I decided to give up COMPLAINING. what a dummy! who gives up complaining? On the up side, I do feel slightly virtuous and good. I do complain about things far more than I ought to. On the down side, venting is. . .healthy. Life is often fabulous and darling but just as often life can be a shitbowl and people irritating fish in that bowl. anyway, all is ok for now. And this blog seems like a really long complaint.
strep throat blues
Am home sick. Really ill. I keep getting these recurring strep throat infections. As the doctors put it, I’m colonized. WTF! Colonized. Like I’m a new planet and the germs are having a party in my throat. Err. Ewww. Strangely, I tend to get sick when I’m feeling like a wreck. And right now, have decisions to make about work, my living situation, my Mom, that are giving me the heebie jeebies. I’m not saying I want to be sick. . .but it is infinitely better than decision making right now.Then there’s the impending Valentine’s Day holiday. I love V day, whether or not I have anyone to share it with. There’s a certain pink and red gaudiness that I find charming. Who is buying the Whitman’s samplers? No, seriously. . .answer me. Who the heck is buying the tacky stuff that is everywhere from mid January to February 15th? I want to meet that man and shake his hand. It’s so American! I digress. Back to the heart of the matter (pun intended!). . . .Valentine’s Day. Last year was my first single girl V-day in years and I was sick then too! Dammit. That’s a recurring trend. I wasn’t terribly lonely. What I did think about all day was how I was free, liberated from a relationship that brought me real joy but was not going anywhere. More on that MUCH later. This year, I have worries. Tangible and concrete worries about my future. And yes, finding someone to love is important but what about just loving me? Feel ever so dopey writing that. Self-love. Not in the autoerotic way but loving myself enough to do what’s best for me, not just others. I’m freaking tired of being a good girl and the good, noble daughter. Have no idea what being tired is going to get me, but it’s a start.
